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  • Writer's pictureJames Kidac


she is wonderful. thank god she doesn't know i know it. that girl in the dress i like is always in her step, moving like a seasoned pro in a sea of thorns, stepping past vines unscathed by leering ones. the first feeling she gave me was hope, that everything could be what it could be, that people can be kind. that day we ran under rain towards the marketplace, i liked every moment. she told me superficial things, and she told me deep things, and she shared her worries, and she was the one. hope, it is such a scarce thing, when everything seems to be falling apart, when people seem unkind and selfish. some people just can't help themselves can they? too kind in nature, that person was who she was, and i loved every moment of our moment.

feeling number two was fear and then relief, when she was frowning in that coffee place, and i was late. she glared at me and then smiled, and said we should have a drink. i know she might have done that for others too, but it mattered to me, that it was our moment. it was always us. she told me that she was a mental person too, and not in the way you know, just that we thought about probably five things the same. she was different, and she was similar, i wished the day never ended. we took the train and she had no complaints, we missed the bus and it was okay, not once did i have to impress her the need to pay the ERP crap, and maybe its just her way of being a great friend, but it matters to me, because there aren't many girls nowadays like her. most of them are pretty easily figured out with elaborate shows. maybe it shouldn't have been that they be put in the same light, and maybe it should be happiness for both, but the day could have been the worse ever, and when it ended, that i planned so far ahead, that all efforts put in it never felt like work. it never felt like one hour and two hours and it wouldn't end. it never felt like we thought without our heads. surely that is my overt excitement over the idea of her.

feeling number three or four that is up to you was pain, that i soon knew she had a friend that meant a lot to her, that she was attached. she didn't want me to know, or at least i didn't want to know, because that would hurt our friendship. feeling number three was pain because it meant i wanted to just be her friend, for that is the best solution for thinking heads. after all, i know i am a great choice but that shouldn't be a consideration, what should be was who was best for her circumstances. if it were a boy not yet a man, i would fight for her like crazy, but i needed to grow fast for suiting her. i need to grow into the man i always knew i was. i wasn't a fast person. then follows pain. what hurts more than to know the one you love may not be the one you end up with. and most probably that way. what hurts more than to know you need to be at your A game to win the relationship, and yet you let yourself go after an episode. what hurts more than to know you don't know anything.

feeling number four or five was despair, when fate has its cruel hands, and forced me into seeing them. they didn't know, and they were arguing, and i know i was part of the problem. no i won't be her burden and that is on me. i have done enough, and if i could do anymore i would but that seems unlikely. the friendship will endure if i have my way and i hope that is but it isn't up to me. i think she saw me and my friend as we walked back into the theater that day. yes she did, and yet she seemed okay a week later in those texts. what can i do to save this friendship? i don't want to lose anymore. the project has gone from prospect to prospect of friend. let her be happy and hope that i am part of that. thank you if there is this grace!

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