It has been a hard fought life. There are people I can relate to, some more than others. There are some I have no patience or empathy for, simply because they have a different makeup that do not bring it out of me. Still, it is hard for everyone. If you are single, it is lonely, if you have a spouse, its living on fun time, till one of the other has to have their flaws exercised into futility, into your life, and maybe bring the pair of doves of your life into a tailspin if you aren't lucky. If you have a child, it is burning at both ends. If you have none, its a wrap and a dreary road ahead full of weirdly strong emotions, defiance, wistfulness, a tinge of regret, a feeling that you could have had an ocean of fields, rather than the singular that you walk into the rain with.
I wish there was a reason to keep up with the Joneses. I know there needn't be one to do the chase, to be the man, or the woman. It would have been nice. Its all excuses, we do what we do, I went with the flow, instead of dredging up a stony hill of impossibilities for a hint of nothing. There is no reason to do many things. If you reflect, as I do, apathy means leaving the person in peace, it works both ways. In everything we do or not, we care and we don't. I know I wasn't the one for some of you, most of you. Somehow it was in the makeup of my person that one would know such things. I wish it was different, its not a presumptuous man who wills this to be. He wants it more than anyone that things would be perfect. But rarely does anything go that way. Life is not a movie, you have sometimes permanent flaws or disadvantages, you can improve many things, but the possibilities are endless. What can you choose? I am infinitely better than I was 10 years ago, but still its nothing compared to what it had to be for certain prospective futures to expand or even crystallise. Life is like that.
We all know we know nothing. We go to the next being a sum of mistakes, love, loss, and happiness. It has been a wonderful road to walk wither this life away.
-j
