Welcome to the blog and website of the author James Kidac.

Welcome to the blog and website of the author James Kidac.
In Between, now available in leading ebooks stores and Amazon paperback.

Friday, October 31, 2008


"Smile, when your heart is aching. Smile, even though its breaking, when there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by."

The sadness of a lost hero was touched by a girl. The girl who was so carefree that he was so attracted by her nature. She, in turn, looked beautiful in her mannerism, even in her non-acknowledgment of his existence.

A cold heart was pepped up by a warm smile, but the distance between them felt poles apart even though their being an arm's length's away at times. He was too lost to speak, and she was too shy to talk to any guy, especially to a guy whom a young girl's heart would recklessly attach to.

"Chiseled looks, ample build and brown dreamy eyes, hmm, thinking a little too much now are we? Focus. Groceries now, silly." thought the girl to herself.

Cloud was at the marketplace at a strange town in a foreign land. He didn't feel lost at this town, but he felt lost in his purpose in life. He didn't know what to do, where to begin, where to continue. He was just there, with no mission, with only fragmented memories of two dear friends and a painful recollection of a loved one's disappearance.

He took refuge in an inn nearby and found some money in his pockets to pay the bare minimums for a moment's subsistence. The inn was shabby, but the food was available and so it was a rare grace. Other than wandering in his room thinking about the things that meant nothing, a purposeless Cloud found solace in looking at the girl, and everyday, he would be at the marketplace, just looking for her and then pretending to be cool. Fear? It was not in his dictionary. Only a hollow realisation of his uneventful experience in entirety could stop him from talking to a girl like her.

After all, a soldier he is, hardship he didn't get. A boy he was, only childhood memories he could share. None of the fabled adventures, nor stories, nor experiences that matter to some. He was a boy, perhaps becoming a man.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Falling Soldiers

Corpses keep piling up everywhere. People were falling to the ground cold and dead with every moment's passing. I saw a group lined up for some rations having the line cut down to one by the sheer number of falling soldiers. Soldiers? These people are fighting an invisible war. A war called the plague. The booming opera music played in the loudspeakers around the town seem to stink of irony as the elaborate gestures of an ailing population faded away with food dwindling and stomachs empty. Where was the happiness? Who took it all away? I'd thought Kula didn't exist. The state of a broken town seems to speak otherwise. I sure hope lies spoken were from intentions of protection, because the life Wally Ville gave me, the destiny Shin-ra gave me, seemed like lies that are blatant like an elaborate clown. Was I the clown of their fixated enjoyment? Was I even alive?

Angst like a teenager, burning passion of a lover, sense of betrayal like holding on a thorned rose. These random feelings filled an empty heart.

Tainted words galore

Words used to have a sacred and unique meaning to them. However, as society progresses, does it regress at the same time? Words that used to hold meaning and worth seem to be cheapen by the readily available knowledge that is free to share, free to indulge in, free to manipulate and free to abuse.

When i say i am sorry, I mean it. However, in the eyes of others, sorry is a word that is used without pre-conditions. It is no longer a reward upon self-reflecting. It is now just a thing to say. Why is society so accustomed to exploitation, so used to cheapen things that it doesn't even treat a language with the respect the language should command. The power of authority in words are no longer absolute. The severity of lies are now diluted by the sheer number of false truths bandied around like food that we are so used to it we are reliant on lies to live a normal life.

Now, when i see the word Pure, it doesn't strike as pure anymore. It strikes as a tainted word that is not important at all. Manipulation has seeped into society, so much so words, meaning are lost in order to render our existence insignificant. We need to change. Not because of me, but because of our segregation from the nobility of life. Perhaps it was not meant to be a noble existence, but i am god damn sure our existence shouldn't be that of a cheap person, loose values, a pretentious bastard and a fickle mouth's indulgence.

I myself have been tainted by the belligerent community.

Who am I?

"I am a soldier. A second class soldier below my friend Zach. Zach, how is it like to be a swash-buckling first-o? i guess it must be pretty awesome. If i had a purpose in life, i would probably want to be like you. You are important, you are resolute, you are good at what you do and you never complain about your passionate obstacles. Zach, do things ever go wrong in Wally Ville. Kula never seemed like a reality. It is a myth isn't it? Monsters and demons are a folklore to scare people like me to toe our lines, right? I guess that much. I miss you Zach, you have been gone since forever and i am lost without a friend to confide in."

Am i who i think i am? Around me is debris. I am staring at the coloured artsy glass ceiling of a church, flat on my back. How did i end up in this place? I do not remember leaving Wally Ville at any time. This sanctuary seems to strike a chord with my lingering heart, but i only remember Wally Ville definitely. And you of course, Zach. And Tifa. Did something bad happen? I am feeling lots of pain and fear and angst that i cannot comprehend. Happiness has deserted this soldier for some reason.

Later, I got out of this calm and found my way a nearby town that feels close and yet so strangely foreign. The town here seems dead. The faces i met had glum and despair in them, their eyes so dark it arrests my attention every time i look at them. No wait, i met a girl. A beautiful girl.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

The Death of Hope

Happiness is fickle. It chooses its host as if it were a choice made.

The rubble of Midgar smells of burnt astatine and charred rubber. The stench of gunpowder and arsenic lingers in the air. What had happened to Midgar? Where is Zack? Its all gone. Sephiroth did this, said a child. It cannot be him. He was the best soldier there was. He was the kindest of them all. It cannot be. It just cannot be. A motionless Zach laid on the edge of the cliff looking down at Midgar, the light of Zach's eyes stolen by a merciless rogue whose long sword pierced cleanly into the right of Zach's chest. Whether or not Cloud ever found Zach, it remained a mystery. Just as how Cloud went about in the years of his adolescence after the haunting tragedies of his young life.

He woke up in a Church. He looked at the cross that had lost its lush brown shade. It's solemn surrounding seemed to mourn for the loss of a once beautiful city. He felt a piercing pain in his head. "I want to forget it all. I want to forget it all. I cannot stand the pain. The broken pieces of precious memories seem to pierce through my chest, lashing out on my already aching heart, turning it to stone with everything familiar becoming lost in a whirl." His left shoulder hurt as if dislocated in a struggle. He didn't care enough to take a glance at it.

The broken soul faded in and out of consciousness, his memories seemed to be ignored and isolated in a forgotten place to enable his denial. Perhaps, Cloud had forgotten about it all.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

A Montage

Twinkly feet!
Dancing blaze!

fantasy seems to transcend into my reality. is the next person beside me going to snort out flames? am i going to grow wings? why do i feel so tired all the time? everyone has a purpose in life. Zack wanted to discover about the mysteries of Life. Tifa wanted to enjoy the moments of silence and help others. I.. i don't know what i should do, can do or would do. I have no dreams, no desires. Sometimes, i take a ride out of Wally Ville just to be alone. solitude or loneliness. it always bugs me. I must have a purpose right?

Wednesday, October 1, 2008


It has been said that love was an infinite mystery. To me, it has now been proven. Me wishing upon the stars and hoping that you will be there when i awake is a daily requirement i give myself. However, the awkwardness we feel when our eyes meet seems to cross over boundaries that we aren't aware of nor know of it's existence. Tifa, i love you, but it is so confusing and bewildering how you make me feel when i am near you. I can feel your heart beating alongside mine, and i feel your love and i share your love but somehow.. we didn't just mash in naturally as i'd hoped. I know our love is there, but is it because of broken hearts we have thus we also share the wounds and scars of heart breaking memories that never mend? The broken hearts of yesteryears still seem to haunt the both of us...

vulnerability never felt so blissful yet painful..