i saw her face and it was everything i thought i knew. she represented the good, the bad, the beautiful that was. the image was one of weary, one of deep pain, but why? from everything that was, it looked like she had the best of it, merry was never part of the equation. it was methodical, flowery, surgical. loveless.
once i prayed everyday that this wasn't what it was. that there was more to it. the prayer was answered easily with passage of time, from my loved ones dwindling off, to the new ones who arrived with familiar faces yet different names. i was in bliss, and i saw her face. it was everything i thought i knew, and yet nothing was the same, nothing was familiar. it was all foreign. loveless.
the truth was that she was never my queen, i never wanted one. the ones who stuck with me are just really lost people like me, wandering around having fun, doing none of the surgery that a queen provides. many times i wonder if i could be like her, consummate and engaged. yet it all felt loveless.
why? i don't know. i don't claim to know what works, i hide into my shell and live in the morass of my empire. my swamp. my safe place. for years i thought i could only hurt people i love, for years i suffered the ignominy of my existence. now i feel good but not because they had lost, but because the elders blessed me with this wind. the coming of the wind swept into my heart, propelling me into all kinds of goonery, and i loved every moment of it, the pain, the suffering, the hurt, the love, the sadness, the joy.
i love you, loveless. however, you were never my queen.
