Meaning

 It has been a hard fought life. There are people I can relate to, some more than others. There are some I have no patience or empathy for, simply because they have a different makeup that do not bring it out of me. Still, it is hard for everyone. If you are single, it is lonely, if you have a spouse, its living on fun time, till one of the other has to have their flaws exercised into futility, into your life, and maybe bring the pair of doves of your life into a tailspin if you aren't lucky. If you have a child, it is burning at both ends. If you have none, its a wrap and a dreary road ahead full of weirdly strong emotions, defiance, wistfulness, a tinge of regret, a feeling that you could have had an ocean of fields, rather than the singular that you walk into the rain with. 

I wish there was a reason to keep up with the Joneses. I know there needn't be one to do the chase, to be the man, or the woman. It would have been nice. Its all excuses, we do what we do, I went with the flow, instead of dredging up a stony hill of impossibilities for a hint of nothing. There is no reason to do many things. If you reflect, as I do, apathy means leaving the person in peace, it works both ways. In everything we do or not, we care and we don't. I know I wasn't the one for some of you, most of you. Somehow it was in the makeup of my person that one would know such things. I wish it was different, its not a presumptuous man who wills this to be. He wants it more than anyone that things would be perfect. But rarely does anything go that way. Life is not a movie, you have sometimes permanent flaws or disadvantages, you can improve many things, but the possibilities are endless. What can you choose? I am infinitely better than I was 10 years ago, but still its nothing compared to what it had to be for certain prospective futures to expand or even crystallise. Life is like that. 

We all know we know nothing. We go to the next being a sum of mistakes, love, loss, and happiness. It has been a wonderful road to walk wither this life away. 

-j

Reminisce?

 If we could turn back the clocks, to be free of the shroud of naivety, I would go back in a heartbeat. The one who first stole my heart would be my target for making her my best friend, for I know her own trials are so much more complex than anyone's. It would be a treat to forget the initial heart flutters and just follow someone's journey into the wild west with a depth a bystander could never enjoy.

Strangely, my heart still gravitates towards the one who found me at my worst. I would want to chase her across the bounds of fate. She was from a small town, and she lost her kin to all kinds of Shakespearean tragedies, I would have wanted a shot at incorporating all that chaos in her, and the same things that weighed on my own journeys, and have the theory of us make sense. 

That is my own beluga. The first girl I liked has nothing compared to the other woman I met. They are not the same experience. When you are young, love is trivial and novel and superficial. The girl who grew into a woman into a force was not in my orbit at all, the infatuation was always one sided and flawed, like a foundation of sand. While it is presumptuous that we assume it was so, it felt that way, and so it might as well be. The woman I met is flawed, she has her own creature comforts and habits. But we made sense at least when intertwined. We found love in a hard place. It was not a fairy tale to be, it was just life. And it made all the difference.  I never wanted a Ferrari to take me to Mozambique. It was just my pikachu and me. 

Still, to have possibly made her my friend instead of being my childhood idol, that would have been a dream. Well, a quirk.. maybe? Hey they used to make movies of cheesy quirks like these in the 90s. Its good to have little dreams.

Our gift

It was scary at first. The monsters outside, felt really menacing. The shadows, the sounds, the rumblings. When we were stuck in the home, it was a division of quarters, barked down by some grey face tangerine mother father. Some were assigned the plump and safe living quarters in the middle room, others were left to their devices and finding supplies. The top floors were a mystery, it felt dangerous, mysterious, some went up without a thought.

I was just about as frozen as I was trembling, seized in dread. The top of the stairs or the foraging outside this space felt not like options, but improbable ordeals. They had tried to push me into the fray, whatever that was, but it was futile. In moments, the leader, a grumpy old guy of course, saw that pathetic state and told me and a few others to sleep at the upstairs corner near the window. In my thoughts, it was like the T-rex ain't gonna need anything to get to me, the glass pane might as well be rock candy. Still, I mouthed only in silence, gibberish even for a useless bib like me. Ah well it was time to survive, our kind are much unlike those loudmouth airheads in the movies talking into their path of deadends. The only worry was the snoring of my group, and maybe that would expose me if I did :). I have watched the movies, the monster is triggered by movement and sound. 

I don't know, we just accept the situation and try to rest. However, shortly after, from the growing commotion outside, it seemed people were getting outside to mingle to mess about. I wondered how, or why. Walking down and opening the door without hesitation, maybe skipping a beat, there was the crowd, they were all talking, making merry, walking down the streets. It felt impossible. Man had overcome the monsters. Or succumb to his or her wishful thinking. It was probably the former, these things weren't that formidable. Curious, I walked their walks, went towards the loudest of the 'bazaar' theme, a particular kind of feel, it was before us that the wrangler had mastered the massive biped lizard, somehow bringing it to heel in chains and order. Was it a wondrous thing? I don't know about that. Was it a terrible thought of us? Well, we live in the moments and it was what it was. 

Loveless

i saw her face and it was everything i thought i knew. she represented the good, the bad, the beautiful that was. the image was one of weary, one of deep pain, but why? from everything that was, it looked like she had the best of it, merry was never part of the equation. it was methodical, flowery, surgical. loveless.

once i prayed everyday that this wasn't what it was. that there was more to it. the prayer was answered easily with passage of time, from my loved ones dwindling off, to the new ones who arrived with familiar faces yet different names. i was in bliss, and i saw her face. it was everything i thought i knew, and yet nothing was the same, nothing was familiar. it was all foreign. loveless.

the truth was that she was never my queen, i never wanted one. the ones who stuck with me are just really lost people like me, wandering around having fun, doing none of the surgery that a queen provides. many times i wonder if i could be like her, consummate and engaged. yet it all felt loveless.

why? i don't know. i don't claim to know what works, i hide into my shell and live in the morass of my empire. my swamp. my safe place. for years i thought i could only hurt people i love, for years i suffered the ignominy of my existence. now i feel good but not because they had lost, but because the elders blessed me with this wind. the coming of the wind swept into my heart, propelling me into all kinds of goonery, and i loved every moment of it, the pain, the suffering, the hurt, the love, the sadness, the joy. 

i love you, loveless. however, you were never my queen. 

A new book.

 To the dear readers of the blog, we have a pause in the current story of Mister Chase and Sparrow to bring you news for the new year. We have worked on a book for a long time and it has finally come together for a release today, marking the second week of 2018. Thanks alot for your readership. Please check the book titled "In Bt." available on Amazon Paperback (http://a.co/fYS7cyu) for $11.99 and it will be available on Amazon Kindle shortly for only $0.99.!It is an adventure you won't forget! Warm Regards, James

A new year!

 It will be great, promise. :)

Checking in for the seasons and jolly

It was that time of the year where people get sticky and bolstered with festive cheer. The colours of the day were red and white, not my favourite ones but they'd do. People were drumming themselves into a joyous mood, but it wasn't for all of us. I liked the spirit of the holidays, they give so much cheer to the young ones. The older ones, including me, checked out of the year weeks ahead and were just on auto pilot doing stuff that we ought to do, but really if you had something good to plan it would be a few months prior. The only things I knew were not ones for the season, but it could always be a better tomorrow. :)

The protector

We kept in touch, and from a distance sometimes I monitored her progress. She was happy to let it be, our friendship was set and it was a time for unwinding for the mercurial woman. The person within always chased for something, a goal, a person, an objective, an item, and it was not difficult to apply that to other things judiciously. It is improbable that I would stand still, and would rather row backwards for that sort of experience if need be. It was not certain though that either of us were the lesser, and the other the gift. I was trained in intellect, and she had a knack of people. In a world of chaos, those two were distinct traits, and not one was lesser until proven, and even so, it must be done over and over again, just like a day's routine. :)

The journey

It was the calm of the inevitable that took us the distance for that journey to land. We were hungry, though not too much. It was tough, and yet the shoreline for our minds was always within reach. But it took its toll, and perhaps that was fatal to any couple. The cruise always took its payment, not in money, but in your time, your love, your soul. That was the beauty of it. People always fixated on the material things, and yet they give up the most obvious of treasures in the pursuit, the chase. However I always made sure there was a string cast out that bound her tiny feet to me. So she would know the way back if she wanted to.

Difficulty: Impossible

Parched.. That was the mood of that escapade. The thought of morning was supposed to be redemption, a relief from darkness but after baking in the sun for immeasurable amounts of time, it was really absolution. She was coughing, and had most of the covers to insulate herself, and I was miserable, knowing that it was my helm that navigated us to a sorrowful schtick. Sure, we had each other, but the red sun burns were more prominent than anything else. I asked her about regret, and to my surprise it wasn't a bad conversation. She adored the idea of us, more than I ever could muster with that hot blooded stride out of a theater, or the same from our flat eons ago. This was making the vision reality. And it was impossible.

Forgetting the mess

At some point of time you got to deal with things that aren't documented, and I forgot about it. It was in the mind that we were on the shores in a foreign land, with the backdrop of the Alps and the baby blue. It was the city center of Lausanne and I took her to every detail of the parks and piers. We dabbed feet in the lake and felt the coolness of the autumn, and the bright colours of the center really spoke to her inner child. She wanted pictures as much as our phones could store, and we ran and stopped randomly, sitting whenever needed and suffered no fools. Bliss... finally. 

Rabbits

It was a silent thought, not because I was weak but she never had the appetite for adventure and hardly hid that trait, but it was always something that intrigued our hearts. We, well me, continued rowing into the unknown, going where the seas would take us, and soon enough there were vague signs of life. We heard in a distance sounds of quite possible a horn, and then in another blind corner a rustling of leaves in a distance. However, we knew not to chase the rabbit. We stayed put, hope for a sign. The fear of the night was not kind. It felt miserable, and then painful, and finally it was morning.

Eternity?

 At least it felt like it. It wasn't long before we had the realisation that things weren't getting easier on the boat, stranded in a billowing abyss of a black night and clouds. Thank goodness it wasn't choppy seas or stormy weather, a drifter's nightmare averted. Then the skies cleared a little, and there were stars. Millions of stars. Something we never saw on the shimmering cruise. She gasped in wonder, and smiled as she paced around the boat looking for a moon. And it was rising behind us, a full one in fact. I felt her hand in mine, and I grasped it firmly, almost apologetically. Its my fault we are here, Sparrow, now that we have seen the other side, can we even go back?

Night & waves

 It didn't matter to them, and it meant all the world to me. I told her, Sparrow, we can do this. She sounded really tired when she said the same things, always nitpicking the details of the journey. She slept at the port side, and I rowed for our lives. When she awoke, I talked to her incessantly, hoping to lift her attention from the dire circumstances we were in. It didn't work, soon she was lamenting the departure from the cruise. "I am worthless," she said, "at least the cruise didn't mind that." Yet in a whisper it was me who replied that, "You are all that matters." For once she didn't fight back and stared ahead silently as we rowed deep into the pitch black waters of a dreaded night.

Leaving

Could it be? That a woman aged by life still had something left to bring? That she wasn't filled with bitterness and married to the ship. The skeptic in me was screaming fallacy! But if there was even a small chance of getting her with me, it was worth all the risk. I reached out to her, and grabbed her hand. She said nothing, resigned in fate. It was of hers and mine as we reclined to the boat, with absolutely nothing but broken dreams and lost youth. That was love, and it doomed everyone else who chose the same. We rowed towards the sunset, with not a care in the world as the cruise pass us by, without skipping a beat.

The smile

She was satiated by the theater, but that makes only the one of us. It was time to leave the haunting cruise ship, and it was opportune without alarm. I got together my things, and I heard the voice of an angel in the theater one last time. I couldn't bare to see it. It was too much, the memory of her would have captivated me even if she was wilted by time. I got to the side and started moving the fingers around the rope and levers tying each rescue vessel. It was not long before I got one lowered into the ocean and I could just go. Before I did the rappel down to the hull, I looked back at the monstrosity one more time. And there she was, smiling back at me.

Flash in a pan

It turns out that time rots everything, even our thing. Having sleepwalked through the cruise, and everything in between, we were aged beyond the careless youth, and yearn for a consistency beyond those delusions. Desperate to not let the world do us in, I got her from the stage and we ran out, hands intertwined, and it turned out we had been still in the damned theater in the cruise, and we had to leave this monstrous thing that had stifled our love for its own purposes, none of it noble or smart, but petty and vindictive. She asked me if I felt the same, and I looked at her, aged by time, and said you are the most beautiful girl in my eyes. Because it was true, ignoring the wicked hearts that conspired to blind us with fake ideas and false wisdom. Tears fell, and hard at the deck side. 

The devil's den

The cruise was no longer docked at the lands, but sailing in the middle of an ocean. There was no leaving once you came. The idea to make it out was so pertinent in my mind, but she was still drawn by the sound of music. Sparrow.. She was almost asleep with tiredness, free of dread, and my voice was booming, hoping to invigorate her last flickers at the wick. Please love, don't go back. Devon... I love you, just let me go, I am free from desire, and now the music fills me. I am wilted from the fights, the pushes and pain, it is time to accept..

The voice

I heard her voice, familiar yet distant, but sin was holding me like bosom to a baby, keeping me safe from all that gargle. Pathetic boy, what a sham to drift on! It was just a few drinks, and yet the wandering and hallucinations were endless. If it would all end in a drunken stupor, that would be such a shame. But that was reality, even with the care of a million hearts. The conjurer's trick was to deluge your own concerns in shiraz for the loves. Her voice wasn't one of despair, it was one of indulgence. She had found her audience, as did I, watching over her songs and dance. She recognised me from afar, where I was seated, and she smiled as I watched. It could easily have been years apart since the first time our eyes met, but that was the game. You play it fast when you are dead.

Nature

Was it a jebait? No one really knew. It was just how mother nature does her thing. Some people thrive when venturing out when the sun goes down. However, it was self evident that yours truly was not one of those people given the lack of physique and natural instincts. Many would fall badly, and personally it was inevitable. My energy levels go down more than anyone else during the close of day. It was a no-brainer going back on the cruise and searching for nostalgia was more my thing. The voices were silent now, but my head spun like a top and so I got to the cabin and laid in bed. Sleep, Mister Chase, sleep.